The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
