is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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