So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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