How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
