Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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