I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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