sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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