So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
