Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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