dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
