I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
