i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
