dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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