1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i out mim tonsoeep
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