wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We got so high we made milksteak
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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