I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
