my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
