woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
