In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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