I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
