Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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