I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
