smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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