I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
