I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
