i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
