i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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