thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
