how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
