I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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