I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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