So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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