If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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