We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
