Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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