So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
