He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
