I wish I could punch you in the face.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
