My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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