I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
