Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
