this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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