My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I am one with the molecules
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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