i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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