i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
