Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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