So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Moan for me like Helen Keller
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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