This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
