I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
