the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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