Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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